Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
