i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
