You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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