come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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