I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
