dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
