At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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