shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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