My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
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We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
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I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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