i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
