I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
So. Much. Porn.
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