i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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