she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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