the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
