He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize