we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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