She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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