I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize