Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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