So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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