I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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