everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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