honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Randomize
