My liver just broke up with me...
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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