I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
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