1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
