if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
