Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We had sex on a dog bed..
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
