Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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