I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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