the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
