Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
