how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
