I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
