Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
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we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
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In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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