You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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