Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
