When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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