My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
