I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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