and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I am midnight drunk by noon
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
