Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
