Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
