Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
