your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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