just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
