i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
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Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
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I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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