my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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