The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
and you fell through a lawn chair
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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