He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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