I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
