you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
