you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
