NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
