Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
