theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
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Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
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I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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