My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
